Today I found out about the girlfriend. It’s amazing what phone records and the internet can provide. Needless to say, this provided another round of shock, denial, and sadness for me. To feel like I wasn’t good enough is the most sickening feeling. The kids and I were like garbage to him…disposable when we no longer served a purpose. My thoughts now revolve around what he is doing, or rather, what they are doing. I cannot even begin to imagine giving up your children for a life with someone you’ve only met once and have only “known” for a matter of months.
My next goal is to amend the divorce papers to say “adultery” as the reason for separation. Currently it reads “irreconcilable differences” as cause. I was hoping to list abandonment; however, in order to do that – I’d have to wait one year to prove legitimate abandonment! Honestly?! I find it comical that the court system expects me to wait for ONE YEAR to prove that the kids and I have actually been abandoned. We lost the house, I am scrapping by with the little money I have left, and I am working for free for the business he left behind (because he took so much money that the business cannot afford to pay me). He walked out of our home and pretended he would be back in a few hours. And now I have to wait for one year to be able to say I’ve been abandoned!?!
As if my situation isn’t already bad enough, I now have to live with the notion that our “differences” could somehow have been reconciled. I definitely participated in my share of reconciliation over the years. Every time he lied to me or stole from me, I reconciled. It was far worse to be alone than to live with a liar. Even now that he’s gone, there are days when I long for company and companionship so desperately that I would gladly look the other way while he lies, cheats, and steals. I recognize that this is terribly unhealthy and wrong of me, and yes, I am now in counseling.
32 days ago, he took our children to an activity for Archie’s cub scouts. It was a pizza party, and the kids had to build their own pizzas. I was at church rehearsing for Sunday’s praise band, and I was so grateful that he was willing to take all three kids with him. He periodically sent me text messages throughout the night, updating me about how much fun he and the kids were having. It was the very last activity that he did with the kids, and I often wonder if he knew that it was.
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