Day 25

Yesterday was a landmark day. I filed papers at the courthouse for divorce, child protection/custody, and child support. It was quite an ordeal, as my attorney is located in the north end of Boise, and the courthouse I file at is located in Caldwell. The kids and I spent the better part of the day in the car, and I went through a half tank of gas. As I was driving around accomplishing all these things, I kept thinking how ironic it is that I am the one who is inevitably responsible for paying for and processing the documents required for divorce. The irony lies in the fact that I was clearly not the partner who wanted “out.” Furthering the difficulty is the fact that he still refuses to disclose his location. Because I cannot serve him the divorce papers, I now have to pay to have a legal notice published in the Denver newspaper. Once this has been published and the 20 days required for him to contest have passed, a judge will likely grant all elements of the divorce and child support petitions. Although I know his intention is probably to never pay me a penny, my hope is that he will eventually be held responsible for his decisions and actions.

We have not had contact with him for 12 days. With the absence of text messages and emails, more theories have surfaced about why he left and where he might be. One leading theory is that he was a closet homosexual and had to flee to fulfill his true life path. Another recently developed theory is that he is no longer in Denver, but is now hiding in Mexico…where money lasts longer and it is easier to disappear. Whatever the true story is, it seems evident that this was planned and that he has no intentions of ever taking responsibility for the actions and decisions he made in his “old” life. The evidence continues to mount, including a $7,000 cash advance, a half dozen maxed out credit cards, and evidence that he owns a gun.

The kids continue to do fairly well under the circumstances. Archie is still the most significantly affected one. He has been sleeping a lot and seems to have slipped into a minor depression. He now asks me when I will remarry, which leads me to believe that what he misses the most is the reassurance of a complete family unit. He is wise beyond his years and has started to understand that his dad is in quite a bit of trouble. I fear that his teenage years may be difficult without the presence of his father.

Life continues to be very fast-paced for me. Always seems to be a million things to do. The business is doing better than expected – probably because the skimming off the top has come to an end. I start my next semester of classes next Monday, which should be somewhat of a challenge. However, I am so very determined to finish my degree so that I can make a better life for my children.

My sadness has definitely tapered somewhat, but I still miss him during quiet moments. Nights are the most difficult, and I am often the most lonely then. I miss the security of having him around…if that even makes sense. I still have visions of him and can remember the “lasts.” The last time he mowed the yard (he was wearing camouflage pants and an orange shirt), the last meal we ate as a family (breakfast at Rick’s Press Room on Mother’s Day), the last time he grilled on his beloved Webber, and the last touch (a brief hug before he left for “work” that day). It breaks my heart to reach the conclusion that while I was naively enjoying these moments in time, he was plotting his escape with a calculating and razor-sharp objective.