It’s been 10 days since we last saw his face or heard his voice. Archie turned 9 year old 3 days ago, and he did not call or text to wish Archie a happy day. He sent me a text message telling me he had sent a birthday card two days prior to the birthday, but 5 days have passed…and no card has arrived. I know that a card will never arrive, but I keep looking for one nonetheless. I can’t help but wonder why a person would lie about sending their child a birthday card, but I acknowledge that I cannot even begin to rationalize his thoughts and actions.
The birthday – a very sad day. It was the first holiday without him. My dad, my sister, and I took Archie bowling and out to eat. For the first time, Archie ordered an adult meal (and ate it all) instead of a children’s meal. I couldn’t hold back the tears as I looked around the restaurant and noticed all the families sharing a meal together. I feel fortunate to have my children, but I cannot stop missing the family unit I had become accustomed to. Fortunately, my parents were more than generous with helping with Archie’s gifts (since my money was still frozen in an alternate account), and Archie seemed happy with his day. He received a Nerf gun, 2 Lego sets, a skateboard, and (drum roll) a full-sized basketball hoop. Archie concentrated extra hard when making his birthday wish. He tightly closed his eyes and took several deep breaths before blowing out the 9 candles. I can’t help but wonder if he wished to see his dad again. The birthday brought back so many memories of 9 years ago. He and I were young and Archie had not been a planned baby, but we were both so thrilled to welcome Archie into the world. I remember him taking Archie on long walks, rocking Archie to sleep, and proudly showing Archie off to friends and family members. What has happened to cause such a loving father to completely walk away from his children and never look back?
The days have been easier, but I would be lying if I said I haven’t still been living in a hellish state. I go back and forth between sadness and anger. I miss seeing his face, holding his hand, and curling up in bed next to him at night. I miss his help with the kids…from the bedtime routine to the weekend activities. I miss hearing the kids yell “Daddy!” with delight when he would come home from work.
Archie is starting to display quite a bit of emotional turmoil. He has cried a few times, but seems to be angry and often confused. He became angry with me when he learned that I was visiting my attorney and has also talked about running away to
Ramona continues to be rather complacent about the whole ordeal. On Saturday (day 6), I took her to the kiosk to drop off supplies and she started looking for her dad. She sat at the bar drinking her strawberry Italian soda (her regular…often made by her dad), and I couldn’t help crying at this precious sight.
Oliver continues to talk about Daddy. He screams “Daddy!” every time the phone rings…every time the garage opens…every time the doorbell rings. It is so very painful for me, and I often wonder how long he can go without seeing his dad before he completely forgets who Dad really is.
I have been spending quite a bit of time trying to resurrect the business. Learning how to make coffee has been a challenge for a non-coffee drinker like me…but I have no choice but to do it. I am 100% responsible for these children now, and I vow to not let them down. I will make coffee all day long if it means feeding and clothing them. I do not have very many choices right now, but I know that as long as I have my children, I will be content. Along with spending more time at the business, I have also uncovered more and more evidence of his double life. Credit card bills, unpaid business bills, and overdue accounts have become my normal, daily discovery. As I clean up this new life I seem to be acquiring, I can’t seem to shake the old one that I had so hoped to live. Although he has wounded me beyond repair, I cannot stop missing him and loving the person I thought he was. The legal battle lies ahead…the bills are stacking up….the expenses have been left for me to sort out….the broken hearts have been assigned to me. And yet, I beg for a do-over. I want to wake up from this nightmare and have him beside me once again. I am grieving the death of a person who is not really dead, and this is awfully confusing and emotionally challenging. Looking back over the last couple of days we had together, I would give anything to know when he made the decision to leave. How long did he know he was leaving but pretended to love us? And finally, I rack my brain every day to conjure the memory of his last words to me. It was either “I’m leaving,” or “Leaving,” or “Leaving now.” One thing is for sure – he included the word ‘leaving,’ he left, and it appears to have been calculated and intentional.
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