Day 5

It has been 5 days. I have experienced more emotions than I knew existed. There are so many questions about why he left. I am not as focused on what he is doing now, but my mind cannot escape the last 3 days we had as a family of five. Was his departure planned? Did he know they were the last kisses and hugs? Did he know it was the last time he would see our faces and hear our voices? What was he thinking when he drove away and saw our house for the last time?

Despite the disturbing details I have uncovered about his possible double life, I cannot stop missing him…cannot stop loving. The coffee kiosk he had been running has abruptly been left in my hands. With substantial help from my father and some amazing employees, I have begun to grasp the most basic concepts of coffee-making, espresso machine lingo, and wholesale buying. The first few times I was at the kiosk, it felt surreal that I would never see him standing there again…making the coffee that he so enjoyed serving others. Today is day five, and I have started developing a love for the kiosk and the business that he loved for the past year. I yearn to be there because I feel closer to him…like he is somehow guiding me as I learn. Yesterday’s discoveries at the kiosk storage room included a paper trail of evidence suggesting a double life. For that I felt anger and was filled with rage. Today’s discovery – a shirt in a jar. I found one of his dress shirts inside of a jar in the storage room. I took the shirt out and inhaled his smell, which had been perfectly preserved. It was such a comfort, and yet I was so deeply anguished. I found myself breathing into the shirt and begging him to give me the answers to this puzzle. What am I supposed to do, I asked the shirt, and how can I muster the strength to be a single parent, business owner, and college student?

Archie is eight, but will turn nine in two days. He is the one of the most sensitive, caring, and intuitive children I have ever met. He has cried a handful of times and pleaded for “just one last day with my dad.” I have found him staring out the window waiting for his dad to return. He has put aside his dad’s favorite foods to save for him when he comes back. I think he is starting to realize that he is not coming back, but I also don’t think that his delicate emotional state is allowing him to fully grasp reality. He has split emotions regarding our move in with my parents. He enjoys his time here, but he has also expressed to me that it “just doesn’t feel like home.” He has missed quite a bit of school, but is also very attentive to me and his siblings. I know that his birthday in two days will present some difficult emotions. I am going to make every effort to ensure that he fully realizes how remarkable he is on his special day.

Ramona is four and the complacent middle child. She has not mentioned her dad often, nor has she asked about him. She has talked about a recent fieldtrip to the zoo, during which her dad accompanied her quite a bit though. I am so thankful that she has these last positive memories of him. Indeed, her dad was so involved with her school activities this year. She has his eyes, smile, and feet, and I see him every time I look at her. I remember all the trinkets he would bring Ramona from the mall: barrettes, bows, and jewelry from neighboring kiosks. He had talked about her teenage years and how much he would protect her. We had joked about how she was going to be an “expensive wedding.”

Oliver is two and was the apple of his dad’s eye. Of all our children, he had bonded with Oliver the strongest during infancy. Throughout Oliver’s two years, he has always been the one to comfort Oliver at night and rock him back to sleep. Oliver has still woken up at night and cried for daddy. Oliver also cries “Daddy!” with delight every time we drive past the mall. I fear the day when I take the kids to the mall and daddy is not there in the kiosk. I also fear that Oliver’s memories of his dad will quickly fade. Will he have any lasting memories of his dad, or will they fade during the next couple of months?

Five days ago at this time, I was happily working on a homework assignment and waiting for my husband to return from work. Little did I know that he had never been to work and was already in a different state starting a new life…without us.