Day 20

It’s hard to believe that it’s been 20 days since I last saw my husband, and since our children hugged him goodbye as he left for work on Mother’s day. My life has become so complicated, and things seem to be forever chaotic. I just cannot accomplish everything that I need to, or am required to for that matter. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders as I try to salvage a business, complete my education, move out of our home, and raise three children as a single mom. I secretly laugh at the Emily who, 21 days ago, thought her life was completely maxed out. I haven’t watched television, read a single book to my children, exercised, or even attended church in the last 20 days. There is simply not enough time for me to do anything “extra.” Writing about my feelings and experiences in the middle of the night is about the most relief I get from my living hell.

Amiss the packing, phone calls, appointments with lawyers, bill paying, and meeting with accountants, the children have been remarkably resilient. I am so very proud to call them my own.

Archie finished third grade this week, and his report card showed just how much he has grown this year! He has taken on even more of a parenting role with his siblings, which concerns me. However, he seems to take pride in caring for his brother and sister, and I suppose it’s a sort of distraction for him. Archie has had spells of anger, but seems to be doing pretty well under the circumstances. He got situated in his new room today and still sleeps next to a picture of his dad. I am so very sad that Archie has had to temporarily give up cub scouts, as that was his weekly activity with his dad.

Ramona continues to handle the abandonment the best of us all. She has begun calling her father by his first name, as opposed to “Dad.” She has informed me that Dad is a “bad guy” who makes “bad choices,” and I can’t really argue much. She consistently seeks reassurance that Poppy and Grammy’s house is our home, as well as that there are six of us living here.

Oliver has been busy and active as usual. Tonight, he heard the doorbell ring on television and thought it was the real doorbell. He immediately shouted “Daddy!” with delight and ran to the door. When I showed him that nobody was on the other side, he stood by the door and looked out the window for quite some time. I am certain that he’ll eventually forget about his dad’ however, his innocent love for Daddy is both heartbreaking and heartwarming.

As I was packing up the house today, I came across the boxes of family pictures that have been collected over the past 10 years. I couldn’t help leafing through the photos of a person I loved (and still love) so much. Pictures of birthdays, holidays, vacations, births, weddings, and family milestones. I started weeping, wondering how the person in the pictures could possibly walk away from his family without looking back. I fear that I will never know the reasons behind his behavior, but I desperately seek some sort of closure to this tragedy.

Communication with my husband came to a complete stop last Saturday night. Until that day, I had had occasional and brief conversations with him via text messaging. Whether he’s attempting to hide or experiencing some sort of difficulty, it seems clear that the road ahead will be long, frustrating, and difficult. Because he will not communicate with me or reveal his physical address, I cannot receive the benefits my children need and deserve. I have spent almost all of my savings on attorney fees, bills that would normally be covered by his income, and feeding my children. And yet he will not send one penny to help with his children. He has not spoken to the children in the last 20 days, and he has not even inquired about their well being. The children continue to exist and require food, clothing, and shelter; however, I appear to have inherited 100% of the responsibility to meet these needs.

We miss him…we think of him often….we cry…..we’re angry. Archie has his nose, Ramona has his eyes, and Oliver has his expressions. Ramona’s toes curl inward like his. Archie looks and sounds like him when he sleeps. Oliver has his finger and hands. I can’t remember what he sounds like. I called his phone yesterday (for the first time since he’s left) just to hear his voicemail greeting. The voice haunted me and sounded like a distant memory or dream. But I know he wasn’t a dream. I have his children and 11 years of memories that will always remind me of him.